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Whyyyy

Why would you even say all that stuff, as if you care about me when you don’t even. You don’t care about me or my stupid stupid feelings and you’re mean and selfish. You’re too busy and can’t give me the attention I deserve? YOU CAME INTO MY LIFE. And the you had the nerve to come back and make me think you actually cared. But I make one mistake, one error, even though it wS and is how I feel now, and you give up? And when I try to apologize, even though it should have always been you saying sorry to me, you tell me you don’t know. You tell me that you’re the one scared. And you’re scared of losing me? But you’re the one giving me the cold shoulder? Ihy. I’m so angry at you. Angrier than I have been at you ever. Because this time, you said all the things that made it seem like you cared when you don’t even. You’re evil. Omg, your real name even sounds like “You’re evil” that’s gotta be ironic. And who does that? Who does what you did? You came to me in the beginning. And I stopped talking to you but you came back. And you were the one, texting me everyday and you were the one calling me pretty and “muneca” and “hermosa” and saying so many times that you would take me out and when ever I said I’ve never been somewhere you said “You will. We’ll go”. And you were the one who said I like you first. And I would ask you so many times if this was going somewhere and you said it was. And we talked for 9 months. And I got tired of you not being good enough to me so I left and it hurt for 6 months. But you came back. You came back knowing that I always wanted to be more than friends. Knowing that I was jealous of the other girls. But you still came back. And in the end you say you’re not looking to be in a relationship. Then what do you want? What have you ever wanted from me? What is this? What was this? Are you kidding me???!


Haha I’m so dumb

I know it’s good Friday and you’re probably going to be at church but if you do end up at a party late tonight I hope you don’t meet a girl and I hope you don’t get laid I hope you don’t make out with anybody please please don’t. Get really drunk and call me and tell me you miss me lol….


When are you gonna tell me you miss me?!

Come onnnnn come onnnnnn. Aw pleaseeeeee. Hahahaha I sound pathetic but nah foreal please miss me already. You can’t leave me with what you said. I need more answers. We need to resolve this. I can’t stand this feeeeeling. It’s worse than sad because it’s like this bootsy longing feeling that I hate ugh.


Idgi

Do you need time to think? Do you not know what to say to me? Do you not care anymore? Or is it so simple that you didn’t get my damn text again and we both think we’re ignoring each other? Does it even matter to you? Are you even still thinking about me? Is it done? Is it done? IS IT DONE?! I just want to know. I JUST WANT TO KNOW. Like you’re the one that said you don’t want me to leave from your life and you don’t want to push me away again. Talk to meeeeee 😩 Imy…..


You flipping left me hanging and now Idk what to think and I feel hella alone. Like if you want to care like you say you do then act like it. Juuuust taaaaaalk tooooo meeeeee. It makes me feel so shitty when you don’t talk to me. Like you don’t even care about what I feel or what I want. And it’s like you just want to do your own thing. Then what was the point of telling me what you told me the other day? Like you let me pour my heart and stupid soul out, and for what? You’re not even talking to me when you’re the one that said you don’t want to push me away and you’re the one that said you have feelings for me): Idk what you want. I just don’t want to get hurt so figure out what it is you’re doing because I’m tired of waiting for an answer. You have feelings for me, I have feelings for you. You don’t want a relationship right now, nor do I. But you want me to stay in your life? So what do you want then? Friends that are more than friends? People that like each other? Like fine let’s not label it, but let’s figure it out please…..


Please please tell me you miss me…

Because I know that you do I know it. Don’t blow me off, don’t push me out of your head. Don’t give it time. Don’t think about it. Just tell me you miss me. Just come see me. Please. I miss you. I miss you a lot. All I want is for you to be here. Why does it have to be difficult. I’m not asking for a relationship. I don’t want that. I want to see how this could go. And I know we like each other too much already and what if it leads to something we’re not ready for. And I know that you’re scared of hurting me. But I don’t care. I just miss you. And I don’t care about all the other factors. I just want it to be right now and I don’t want to over think it this time. I just want to be with you and we don’t have to call it anything but just together. And I just want a two hour hug from you and another 2 hour hand holding. And then we could eat donuts and laugh about how much we over thought this and just let it be. I miss you. Just tell me you miss me too): I don’t want it to be over yet. I change my mind a lot but the only thing that didn’t ever change was that I care about you. And it sucks not being able to talk to you. I just want to know what the heck you’re thinking so that I’ll know what to do. What to tell you. I just want you here. Eeps :x


And so now I guess it’s really done

Idk, I told him how I felt, and he didn’t respond. He keeps snapchatting me stupid things though…Idk. It’s ok, at least he knows everything I feel and now he knows how I felt last year. I’ve said everything that I needed to say I think. I have nothing left to say. Idk what I want and he doesn’t know either so we’ll leave it as is and we’ll be done I guess.


So he did text me back….

Last night he texted me when I was basically asleep already so I wasn’t ready to read the text. I opened it this morning and it’s worse than I thought. I wish that he either hated me or just didn’t want to talk to me anymore just cuz what he said makes it even more harder. He said he doesn’t know. He said that he has always had feelings for me, like they never went away even after not talking for 6 months. But then he said that he doesn’t want a relationship, which I am so fine with. I mean like right before he started texting me again I said I swore off boys because they were annoying and pissing me off. But then he came back and I was so and still am confused as to what I want. He said he’s scared of what’s going to happen because he doesn’t know what’s going to happen. He’s scared him not wanting a relationship is going to push me away and he doesn’t want that to happen again. But what does he want. He doesn’t want me to go away but he doesn’t want a relationship but he has feelings for me and I like him and care about him. I don’t want a relationship either like I just want someone to be there for me and care about me…Indon’t want a relationship but I’m scared he’s going to talk to other girls at the same time and I want to trust him but Idk and I’m going to get hurt and be jealous when we aren’t even anything and at the same time we’re both so busy and wouldn’t even have time for each other so what is it? What is going to happen? It makes it worse because we still like each other but don’t know like I just want to know…..Maybe it is easier if we just stop talking….


And for those followers that are worried about me,

Don’t worry I think this time around, I’m going to be just fine


So it didn’t go well….

Actually it didn’t even go. He hasn’t even texted me back…..he probably won’t. I made a fool out of myself. Well at least I know it’s done and he’s done with me. Now I can move on. Like it took over a year, but now it is time to move on. It just sucks a little because of everything I wanted to do with him. But I said something rude and unspeakable. Or well something you just don’t go and say if you aren’t even sure if that is what you want -__-“. Like it’s going to suck because this time around, I actually did see something going to happen maybe. And he stuck around even after he knew about my crazy mom, my super-Christianness, and my v-cardness lol. He came back after everything that went down last year. He even stayed after I questioned him in the beginning AND called him not special and said he was “just anutha nigga”….He stayed for a lot. But so did I. I need to also remember that the reason I said that was because I wanted better and more and after talking for 9 months last year, I got nothing. And this time may have been different but I had to consider last year too in this. And then that week he was becoming shitty to me and my girl-side took the best of me and just called out. Not even time out. This time I guess it’s done and there’s probably no coming back from this. No breaks in between, it’s done. I guess tomorrow I’m gonna have to delete all his pics and vids on my phone and unfollow him on all the other social networks (he doesn’t have tumblr so this is where I rant about him), and oh God….delete our old texts….our texts are on the reg, as ling as this post I swear. Everything has to be gone of him. I sent out my last text to him. I tried to reach out and wanted to say sorry and ask for takesie-backsies and then make it up to him with Idk three scoops of ice cream? I wanted to. Even if it were to be awkward after. If it works, it works. If it doesn’t then we move on. And since he didn’t even text me back….I guess we’re moving on…..


I TEXTED HIM BACK

I mean, Idk how this is going to go….probably not well either way….I asked for a takesie-backsie on what I said the other day and then said like “or are you still frustrated with me?” Well that’s what I said and for me, it’s either super over, like done-done, or not. It’s my way of like knowing the end or the beginning or whatever. Like if he’s like I’m just too frustrated or can’t deal or whatever, then I’ll lay off, like forever and delete him off my stuff and crap because I need this out of my head. But if he says like Idk or like I still like you or whatever whatever, more leaned to working it out, then I’ll just like be like “Can I make it up to you?” And just try to play it cool and calm my tits about stuff….Idk…I see that less likely to happen….Moreso, he is going to say this isn’t going to work out and we’re done-done. Or he just might not text me back. I think that’s what he just might do. I shot him the text 6 hours ago, just about exactly haha….He might be thinking about what he wants to say. Idk. I just like him and I know I messed up but I want to fix it. I just don’t know how it will go if we do fix it. But I wanna talk to him again so bad. It’s just before, he was acting wishy-washy and now it’s me being wishy-washy. And I went crazy. Maybe it really wasn’t meant to be but I needed this to learn lessons. I’m just glad that I had the guts to text him. This is me seeing how it is and this is how it could end for me. It’s a better ending then me feeling shitty about my decision. Or well yeah I feel shitty about my decision, but at least I tried to fix it and didn’t just have a what if forever….It kinda sucks because I never told him that I liked him and if it ends, he’s going to think that I said what I said because I didn’t like him, but I did and still do and never stopped liking him….Maybe it’s time to stop now though. And maybe it’s time to finally let him go…


Rant, rant, rant!

It’s sick and twisted for me to want him to talk to me after I totally told him straight up that I didn’t think it was going anywhere and now I want him to text me, but at the same time, if he did text me, I know right away I’d be thinking, “Omg Idk what to say, Idk what to do, Idk what I want”. I’m just all floppy and messed up and now I’m feeling wishy-washy and like a really shitty person and I know it has to be me to reach out to him…I’m just thinking of “When is the right moment?” and “What is he going to say?” I’m scared that he’ll be so mad at me. Or that we’ll have to have the talk and I’m so scared of the talk. I know either way that he’s going to be frustrated with me and he’s probably frustrated with me in the back of his head. I’m so sorry. Idk why I had to over think it. I wasn’t thinking about the future, like he said I was. I was thinking about the past, and how it was for us then. Idk, I should be thinking of the present and fixing it. I’m going to try, and if I can’t, well at least I can say that I tried, and I won’t live with this, “What if?” feeling anymore. Β 


I’ll text you tomorrow….

I’m going to wait one more day to give you space and a breather. I hope you’re not going to mad or frustrated at me. I just want to talk to you again and fix it. I looked too far ahead and I looked back too. I should focus on the now instead. I know better now I hope you’ll forgive me?


I want to say i miss you but i think you’ll be frustrated at me…

You already think i’m overthinking which i am but i miss you and i want to tell u or something idk ahhhh my head wants to explode


I wonder if I have an anxiety disorder…

Because I keep vomiting and gagging for no apparent reason and it’s freaking me out. Like it comes and goes out of no where. Β Idk, it started a little over a month ago. I wonder if it has anything to do with Earl starting over again. Β Is it because I’m hella stressing over it? I’m scared. I can’t keep a lot of food down rn and Idk.


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