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Soooo

The only other guy that i have ever ever liked, I just found out he has a girlfriend. Ugh fml. I liked, let’s call him Merl, since maybe the 8th grade up until maybe the end of high school graduation. And he was a close family friend so we saw each other a lot. Our families would pretend that we were together and we played along but I actually started to like him. And we’d like cuddle in bed and he’d hug me too long and smile at me too much and hold my hand. But it was all a game to him. I saw him last year in January, and that’s when I realized that I didn’t like him anymore. We were hanging out at a party just us two and just like talking and playing Scrabble etc. But I realized I didn’t like him when I realized that I liked Earl. Me and Earl started talking a month before that and it was good then. Anyways, so I’m cleaning my phone today and see Merl’s old texts so I decide to text him and I find out that he has a gf -___-“. So I’m totally alone now. I need to find someone new because I really don’ know how to fix things with Earl no matter how much I want to….


Everybody says I messed up.

I mean like I sooo didn’t mean to. I was just saying what was on my mind. I am just confused. People are telling me that I messed up and pushed you away and you might not want to talk to me anymore:( like letttt meee jussst telll youuu thaaat I stilll likeeee youuuu. That’s all I want to say before you go and do your thing again and leave me alone. Ahhh, my head is about to just about explode or implode. I just want you to talk to me but I know you’re with your broskis rn. I thought about this longer and I realized that ok I guess the first guy may not be the one and we may not work out. But like how I think about it is I want the next guy or you to be the only guy and I want to think about it like that and that’s where I messed up because what normal person thinks like me? If they have the guy they want, they have fun with him and they try to be with him and they don’t overthink because he likes you already and everything will be ok. Things will happen, good and bad and we may not end up together. I should have gave it a try. I want to give it a try but now Idek if you even feel anything for me after I pushed you away too far. I know you’re busy rn but I hope when you’re not you decide to talk to me /:


Ughhh

I’m feeling so ughhh and I an really hating it. Like wth. I’m so upset. Trying to push thru it so I can concentrate on my exam I need to ace…..


Yeah ok I get that you don’t care anymore

I get that you’re ignoring me and you’re probably on to the next one. It sucks because this isn’t resolved. Let me tell you I like you damn it! Haha…..hah….


It’s like there’s nothing left to say, but I want to keep talking

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I hate going to sleep without you saying good night

Ughhhh it’s been a whole week can we fix this or nah?


I wish you would ask me how I feel like rn so that I could tell you how confused I am and that I just miss you and I want you to tell me that this is worth it and that you miss me back and I’m thinking too much but you like that because it shows that I stinking care about what is going on between us. I want to tell you that I like you times a billion but I don’t know what I want because I can’t tell how you are feeling and I don’t know if you hate me rn and Idk Idk I just want to hug you haha…..


Trust

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I’m not sure what just happened.

Ok, so he finally replied after about 2 days of angst…! But I understand, he needed time to think about how he felt and he didn’t want to ruin his weekend and I didn’t really want him to ruin mine haha so good he waited until Sunday after church to respond to me. He told me not to say sorry about how I felt because I said “sorry if I made you mad or upset, I didn’t mean to”. And he apologized for maybe overreacting. But I liked that he overreacted even though I disagree with what he said. Because it means he was thinking and that he felt something about the subject. And him replying back, not saying to stop talking or anything, means he’s ok. I mean, but I don’t know if I’m ok. I just want to maybe back up my feelings a lil bit. It was hard before because it was like, what is this? But now, I think I know it’s something and maybe we need to look at what this is differently and be more careful because like he said. Not everything happens the way we want it to and things happen and we could get hurt. I hope he realizes that I will probably be hurt more if there is any hurting and I hope he decides to be more fragile with my feelings. I hope we figure this out. It will probably be a while until we get back to normal if we ever can. And it’ll take a while probably before he asks me out again…..well, I guess I just have to have patience and just be careful with my heart again, always.


It’s all back and forth in my head

Imy, I don’t. I like you, I don’t. I care about you, I don’t. Idk but if it’s nothing to you then I’ll make it nothing to me. I feel free and crap and it feels good. But it also sucks because maybe I want you. Idk Idk what I want…


Can you just call me? Or text me? Or drive to my house and surprise me when I get home? Or do something crazy enough so that I know that you even care? But you don’t and you won’t….so this is how it’s going down? In like some type of ice cold flame crap? Booo I said sorry….Idek what tf I want and I just wanted to know what you wanted. I’m just so confused I’m done. But that doesn’t mean I don’t miss you. And that doesn’t mean I don’t like you or care. I just need some clarity or something anything so that I know what to do…


Ahhh I change my mind

I don’t wanna give you time. Ughhh can you just tell it to me like it is?!!! I’m dying here. Your punishment is dumb I just need to know whether or not to let this go or if we could fix things and work it out. And even then, do i want to work things out? Yeeps I’m just going to try to stop thinking about this. I have a butt ton on my mind rn and a crap ton on my plate I don’t have time for this and that was my initial argument. Just ahhhh my head won’t sthu.


Giving it time…….

Hopefully this will dissolve and we could figure this all out if it matter to you because it matters to me whether you like leave hating me and thinking ill of me. Idek if I want to fix things but if we don’t I want to leave this on an ok note….I’m giving you time to think.


Just stay away from me now I guess

Idk what I want and I’m confused and you don’t care and this obviously means nothing to you which is fine with me. I didn’t mean for it to blow up like that. I was done days ago when I said “I don’t see this going anywhere”. And you’re the one that decides to take a day for each reply back, making me overthink every thought twice. And the way you make it sound is like this was really nothing and Idk but it made me sound like a damn fool when I was trying to explain myself. We’re having miscommunications and I don’t like it so I’d rather just stop. I even said that I’d stop, which in that text, could be perceived two different ways—me stopping everything, or me stopping with all my questioning. I didn’t mean to say all that I said. All I meant by me rambling about you being the first guy my parents know about and me not talking to many guys was that if we both weren’t feelin’ it all that much, which in that moment I wasn’t, then we should end things because it’s not worth my mom knowing about us and her asking a butt ton of q’s and not trusting me etc etc. But then you went crazy saying like don’t think much of this and I’m thinking way too much about nothing and who cares about him being the first guy my mom knows about because it was bound to happen sooner or later. And on and on about how I think every guy I’m going to talk to is going to be my future husband and just on and on and I didn’t like his attitude and I know he’s mad but if he cared at all he’d ask me why I’m questioning this and ask me what I meant by us not going anywhere. Like I had a ton more to say about that part but now it somehow turned to me overthinking and overreacting. Like wth. It was like that last time, make me feel shitty. I care about this guy but rn at this moment, I am not liking him. And who cares whether he decides to ever talk to me again. Because I feel like if we were to see each other again, it would be way too awkward. Plus I don’t trust him and I still feel like he’s talking to so many other girls and that’s why he doesn’t care too hard rn. But whatever, I’m letting things go and land how they may land.


Ugh I can’t do this anymore. Like I’m done. I know you think I’m overthinking and yes I totally am. But that’s me, I overthink and like I’m not gonna stop. I’m just done. I don’t want you to hate me and I don’t want to hate you and I feel like if we see each other again it’s just going to make it awkward. I don’t want to do this. It isn’t worth it. It isn’t worth making my brain numb over. I’m just tired. And I know this isn’t going to work out. You’re angry and I’m tired. There’s not a right way to fix this I don’t know what you’d want from me anymore.



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