Later tonight….maybe…I’m shy…but maybe after this I’ll know how I feel and how he feels. I’m dumb. We JUST started talking again like 6 weeks ago and I tried to stir sh/t up already. I soo did not think it would explode in my face. If I like him and he likes me, then what was wrong? I wanted too much already and we just had a first date. I’m so dumb ahhhh. I wish I could fix it. I hope I can. He said he saw this going somewhere…hopefully he didn’t change his mind after a week….I hope he didn’t. I thought I would be ok with ending things but I do like him and I should see where this goes. I’m dumb for putting sh/t up like that. I’m not going to marry him or anything. Ughh, I’m an idiot. Help me god…
It’s pretty insane that I have 350 followers on tumblr even after I’ve been rambling on about a boy that I liked, that broke my heart, that I liked again, that I was over and that I hurt his feelings, and now want back. Lol these posts about this guy have been going on for over a year and you guys are still following me. A lot of you guys are so supportive of me too. I seriously love you all especially the ones that message me and encourage me, give me advice, or just talk to me and say hey. Thank you guys for being there!(: <333
And it’s your fault for telling me what you told me but I can’t call or text you because you’re drunk and you’re going to say more things you will probably regret and I want you to be sober the next time you talk to me. But man! I really can’t sleep the pit of my stomach is so warm and I have this tingly feeling and I know what that means but I don’t want to say it because If I do, I might get my hopes up again and I don’t want them to be crushed again like last year. So I need to play it smart this time. Just because Earl said he likes me still doesn’t mean he’s not going to regret it later. He’s drunk. He wasn’t thinking things through. And I can’t say that I like him too I don’t think. Because everything is going to be just like last year. But this time, he has to be sure. He has to show it. He has to “be about it”. Like I can’t pour out all my feelings again. I can’t do this. And ok, what if we do both like each other still? What next? Because we both said we liked each other last year and what happened? After almost a year, I want to take another step in our relationship but you said you were busy with boxing. That we can’t be more than friends. That things were getting complicated. And how about this year? How is it going to be any different? Are you going to make time for me? Are you going to commit? What? Because I can’t play the same games we did last year. I can’t have my heart broken. And how about our differences? You’re so childish about some things. You don’t act like you care and Idk if it’s b/c you thought you should back off from me or because you were scared or what? Like I need you to man up. And I’m in college, with a job and about to go to classes for my second job. And I don’t party. And I just don’t know. I know now that you like me, but will you regret telling me in the morning? And that is what scares me because I do like you. I care about you so much that it hurts a buttload of the time. And I don’t want to hurt. So if we both like each other, will you make sure that I not going to be hurt again by you? My mind is running on nothing rn and Idk b/c I keep thinking thinking thinking the different outcomes and scenarios that could happen in the morning and I am so frightened what EarlMs reaction will be. Idk what to do….
I’m so tired of being confused. Everything you said to me, everything you did, was contradicting. You say oh you want to talk to me and I’m all these things you like and you just want to talk. But then you dust me off for two days and when you do want to “talk” you’ll text me hella late or tell me you were busy. Like I don’t get it. Why keep me at all? You even told me that you know that I deserve more attention than you were giving me and that’s why last year we couldn’t be more than friends. Then why, whyyyy come back and try to bring up hella from the past and text me everyday and like remember all these things about me and act like you still like me but then like stop texting me and tweet some really ambiguous stuff that i know is not about me? I’m really over this. I’m really confused and I hate it. Like when I asked you all that stuff on Monday, it’s because I wanted to know so I’d know if I was making the same mistakes as last year or if you changed. It just seems like you haven’t grown up at all and you just want to mess around and Idk maybe you know that’s not how I am and you know I know better than you. But I just want to hear it from you. I deserve a goodbye. That’s what I wanted last year. I just wanted you to take me serious for once. But I’m not getting that and it hurts but I can’t force anything from you. You just want to be with underage girls and fool around, well fine. I need to be done with you and Idk why it hurts so bad because you were a sucky whatever the heck you were. And this year just helped me see that I do deserve way better. It sucks because I just wanted you to grow up and make me important like I made you important. But it’s done and you still suck and I’m still a good person and I don’t want to cry anymore. I’m too tired for that and my eyes are all heavy and I don’t even want to go out with friends or do anything. Idk until you learn to be a good person to me, Idk how to feel. I’m just tired of everything and you.
I did it! I stood up to Earl! Well lw, but I still did it!, I am proud but also scared of what he’s going to say back…Oh well, I’m tired of crying over a boy that doesn’t even really care about me.
Ugh gosh, why WHY am I so terrible with guys? Like sometimes I really think about becoming a lesbian. I’m so bad with guys that I like, and I’m worse with guys that I don’t like. Because I can’t even like tell a guy “no” I’ll just stop texting them or I’ll make up some lame lie and i feel bad and that scares me because if I could make up a lie, then the guys that I like can lie too. And it’s even more frustrating because I am not even sure if I like that guy that I think I like but I am so mad and sad and confused and pissed and frustrated with him so that must mean I feel something for him. And then there’s the guys that I do not like and I made up lies like I said that I can’t go out with one guy because I have midterms this week and I am pretty sure that he doesn’t believe me. And another guy kept texting me and I finally texted back and told that I lost his number because my phone got stolen I’m pretty sure he didn’t believe me and then there’s the third guy that I told I had a boyfriend. And just like I just want this guy to stop confusing me. We were talking for almost a year last year. And he has the audacity to text me. I mean, ok go ahead and text me but then texting me everyday for like 2 weeks and then not texting me after going out to a rave for a night? It just leaves me confused af and it makes me angry because you were like asking me out and then you just never texted back? It’s just strange I just find it strange. I’m not a side chick I am not a booty call I am not someone you talk to when you re lonely so wtf am I to you? Ah, I’m just so annoyed with guys right now I can’t handle it I’m so annoyed ughhhhhh.
Seriously so annoyed but w/e life goes on and niggaz die so bye nigga
Ughhh I can’t believe you went to LIC and we were texting everyday and you didn’t tell me. Like Idec but ughhh just like wtf if you’re trying to be my friend you would have told me and if you’re trying to be more than friends you should have told me. Maybe you know I’d be a little annoyed because I know you’d probz meet girls and crap and you probably did ughhhh. Ughhhh just like why can’t you just freaking text me baaaack I’m just so annoyed and Idek whyyyyy. Ahhhh I am so pissed ahhh haha omg. And I didn’t even know what we areee. And just like don’t even ask me out or kinda ask me out or w/e. Like dudes, the way he asked me out was like “Remember I said I wanted to try sushi with you and we’re supposed to go” or something and I was like “Do you really want to eat sushi?” (He hates seafood and has only had sushi like once ever a long time ago) and he said “Yeah! Or actually not really but yolo” like wtf is that. I feel like I’ve been belittled as a person and all last week I was starting to like him again because he liked remembered a ton of the things I told him before and it felt kind of like he cared because he’d text me good night before bed and good morning after his 6AM runs. But wtf. I’m so mad at him and I just don’t know how to feel right now. I want to cry but I don’t want to because like I even told him, I don’t want him to be special to me. Or at least not until I know how he feels about me but apparently he feels nothing for me because while I was at my best friend’s house having a Pokemon marathon, this foo was out at a rave probably dry humping teeny bopperz. Ughhh. If he ever decides to talk to me he better explain himself because ahhh I am noticably upset.
I don’t know whether I want to hear the truth from you or if I just want you to stop talking to me and just forget about me forever. I think that you’re regretting things or something. I didn’t think I liked you anymore but apparently I do because I’m angry at you again & I’m upset with myself all over again :(
You still like me. I think I can tell now. But I’m just so confused. Why did you let me go for over 1/2 a year? Did you not care enough? What made you even come back to me? Did you like another girl but she broke your heart so you’re coming back to me because you know I’m a safe bet. Did you meet other girls and realize that I was more important? And that made miss me? And that made you come back? Or did I not even mean that much to you before and so now you want it to mean something? And what are you trying to pull? What are your motives and intentions because I still don’t know. And now that you’ve come back, Idek how I feel about you. I just know that when I think about you my head spins and I keep telling myself not to smile too big because I’m trying to better control my feelings this time. I don’t exactly know what you want with me this time but I am pretty sure that you do have feelings for me and I’m not sure rn if they are romantic or friendly feelings but I do know that you care about me and that worries me a little and scares me.
I really really don’t know what you want from me. Why are you talking to me again? Why are you texting me? What am I to you? Oyyyy.
I’m so confused -___-” You used to say that you’re not good at remembering things, but it’s like you remember a ton of the things that I used to talk about with you. Like important little things that I didn’t think you’d remember. I still don’t know your motives or your intentions rn. But I’m letting things happen because I think this happened for a reason. I’m just not sure if it happened so that I could finally tell you how I felt before. Or if we’re going to be friends. Or if you are trying to fix things. Because it feels kinda like how we used to be, but different because we I guess you can say know each other a little bit more now. And then there’s the whole old feelings that never made sense. And now there are all these new feelings I have too and I’m just a little confused…But just now, you sent me ❤️&✌️, like we used to and so now I’m even more kind of confused…..ugh. I’m just going to let this play out. Anyways, I’m not trying to have a bf anytime soon and I don’t super care how many other girls he may be talking to.