If a guy who knew everything about you didn’t care, who’s gonna? That’s what I’m afraid of. That I’m going to tell another guy everything about me and he’s going to act like he wants to know but then the time comes and he forgets everything and then one day, you’re nothing to him..Like I didn’t want to be nothing to him. I wanted to matter. I wanted to be important to him. Why didn’t I? Why wasn’t I? I want to know why. I want to know why I get to be so hurt and he’s fine. I still don’t know why. Maybe I’ll never know and it’s never going to be all right. God when will this feeling end? Please take away my memories God.
Nooo. I lasted almost two weeks without crying about you. Why am I crying now? Like I thought I was strong and then I thought about how you are probably talk-talking to another girl now. And now I’m just anutha nigga and how I’m just someone from the past and you probably forgot everything about me. And then I started thinking about how you don’t want me and how you didn’t an how much more I liked you and Idk I just started feeling hurt about it again and I thought I could handle this and I thought I was done but I’m not and you’re probably talking to another girl rn as I’m laying here, tumbling about you and crying over you. I really hate this because I wanted so bad to be done with this feeling but I guess I’m not because rn tears are streaming down my face just like how it used to be and I’m hurt all over again and I don’t even know what’s going to fix this feeling because now I know you’re not coming back even though right now I wish you would and I wish you’d say I miss you and I want to say I miss you too even though everyone else thinks I hate you but I don’t hate you I hate what you did to me. I hate that you hurt me. I hate that I met you and I wish so bad that I hadn’t talked to you last year and we’ve known each other for a year now and I hate it and I hate this year and I hate what i have become and I want to take it all back and start over. Please PLEASE God I want to wake up from this nightmare of a year. The worst year of my life. The year I lived and died the most. Oh God I wish so bad that I could do that. I don’t want to feel like this. I thought this feeling, this pain was gone. But it’s back. It haunts me. It won’t let me sleep. It whispers in my ear. It creeps up behind me. It consumes me then spits me out and leaves me to cry by myself. I couldn’t even breathe when Jess started talking about you yesterday. I put my head between my legs and screamed. I can’t take you. I want to let you go. I think I’m going to have to soon. I wanted to become friends, something again because I miss you so much. But I don’t think it is good for me. I can’t take it, knowing you. I want you gone from my memories. My life. Please go. Please be gone. Please…
I woke up from daydreaming in class and realized that I had wrote your name real big on my paper. Wtf, its time to snap out of it.
I am seriously not even close to the same person that I was in the beginning of this year. I’m really growing up and it’s been difficult for me, but I think this stuff just takes time to get used to and I’m getting better at it as time passes. I just know that I do not want to go back to what or how I used to be. I sometimes get sad because some of the things I cared about are gone but I can still keep them as memories and I can just tell that my future is going to be better and I just have to set my hopes high so that I can keep growing and so that I can reach ‘em!
I hate how much I liked you. Like so bad I wish I could hold my young heart when it was broken to keep it from falling apart. I learned to finally accept that it’s done or whatever and I’m not hurt anymore. But like at night, when I’m saying my night time prayers and I’m of course so thankful and grateful for my life and all of my friends and family and other loved ones, but I always find myself praying for you the most. And I promise you I’m so genuine when I pray for your safety, and your health and that you are doing well and God is leading you down the correct path and if you’ve moved on, I pray the girl doesn’t break your heart and I pray that she could be good enough and that everything turns out well for you. And I stop asking God if you miss me or if you wonder about me and I stop being hurt by you. I think I just cry because I do still like you but I’m starting to let go and that’s ok.
Even though everything’s all sloppy and messed up and confusing when I think about you, I’d still choose you. Idk why you chose me and why I chose you and Idk why in the end you didn’t choose me. But if I could do it all again, I would pick you and Idc what anyone thinks, not even you or my conscious. I’d pick you and I’d smile and I’d fix everything so it would work. And even if every time I chose you it’d get messed up and it wouldn’t work, I’d still choose you. You were my favorite and you were my deer and I was your bear and I liked you so much that you were my favorite person and it’s all gone now. And now I’m all right with it and I’m not mad about it. Even though I wanted more, so much more. Even though I still get sad and cry sometimes, even if it used to hurt so bad and I thought you broke me, I’m stronger now and I’m all right. And one day, if all is good and you’re not busy and I’m not busy. And maybe if you are on the right track in your life and we’re both grown ups and you’re not going to talk to other girls or be confusing and I’m not going to be upset about everything. Maybe we could work and we could choose each other and maybe that will happen. But if it doesn’t happen, then I hope it will be all right and I will be fine and so will you and I hope your life is good and mine too. But even so, no matter what, I think I would always choose you, lol.
Omg I feel so dumdums -___-” So remember how I said that I tweeted Earl that he never texted me back after he said that he hasn’t talked to me in a while? Well, when I was brushing my teeth I heard my phone buzz like twice. And tbh like seriously, I hecka thought that it was going to be him texting me hey or something. Like I was brushing my teeth thinking what I was going to say to him, and I was like “but don’t get your hopes up, Katrina”. And then I was like like “It could just be Stacy or Andy or Lissette”. But I was also like getting excited because if it was Earl then I would be happy that he texted me. But then I went to check, and it wasn’t him. It was Stacy and Lissette, haha. And I just feel like a complete idiot for getting my hopes up like that. How could I be so dumb? It’s not me anymore. I have to keep telling myself that everyday. And I’m scared to check my twitter cuz Idk what he’s gonna say, if anything really..Idk. I don’t wanna check until after my BIO exam cuz I don’t want it getting to me if he says something that I’m not going to like or whatever..I’m just frightened by him, Idk I’m such a wimpy loser when it comes to Earl. It’s terrible, it really is -_______-“…
I think I’m accidentally flirting with him again. I don’t mean to, its just, Idk what the heck to say to him anymore -___-“. He keeps tweeting me and then he was like “I haven’t talked to you in a while..” and blah blah blah and I was like well thats cuz you never texted me back 💁 and like I don’t expect him to text me or anything. Heck Idek what he’s going to say to me if anything. This is so childish I know but Idk. Idk why I can’t just let him go or if I should or not or what. Like I just dunno it’s so annoying. Idk why he wants to tweet me at all. Like what’s he tryna get at with those. It’s so weird. It’s weird because before, when I thought something was weird or just w/e, he’d be the one to tell, so Idk what I’m doing now and why and I especially don’t know what he’s doing like AT ALL. It could just all be nothing..but at the same time..COULD IT???
*Deep sighs* come on Katrina it’s time to move all the way on now like rn before you hate yourself anymore..*sigh sigh sigh*…
I wasn’t feeling well so I took an unsuspected break at work and just walked around campus and cried a little. I don’t know why. I’m just sad. Like 2 people recently died. I’m going to two funerals this weekend. And 2 viewings tonight. And it just makes me think, people can go at any time. Tomorrow won’t always be there. You have to live in the now. You can always have hope for like the days to come, but like live every day like it’s your last. If you care about someone, maybe you should tell them. If you love someone, tell them everyday. Don’t let a moment pass where you regret something you didn’t do. You just gots ta remember that everyday is a blessing and remember all the great things in your life. I keep contemplating on telling Earl that I miss him, and that I still care. He wouldn’t care. He wouldn’t. He isn’t as deep as me, he didn’t overthink these past months everyday. And I’ve changed and I look back at those memories and just see a different me.. Everyday, when I’m on the ride to school, I have to always tell myself to move on. I look up at the sky or something beautiful and just realize that he’s just a memory now. Reminiscing is all right too. And memories are ok. But it’s like, you can’t dwell on it. Yesterday was yesterday and it’s gone. All you have is today because tomorrow may never come. So today, you just gotta live it up and do everything you want to do cuz you just never know when your time’s up.